Now that Halloween is over…and in fact even before it was….you will no doubt have seen that Christmas is creeping up – shops are full of toys, treats and tempting food and soon it will be everywhere you look.
Christmas is often a difficult time for many for a variety of reasons. For families having gone through or facing a separation it can be a particularly emotive and difficult time. It is a time when we are faced with the media portraying the “perfect” Christmas when you feel that yours sadly may be anything but. Emotions and financial realities come into play – one parent may be able to afford to “lavish” the children with gifts when the other cannot and the emotion of being the parent without the children on Christmas morning can often result in parties taking an entrenched view as to what the arrangements should be. If conflict and upset boil over it can be difficult to retreat from this and it is a position which all too often results in the children being caught in the middle.
In my experience the key to reducing tension and disagreement is to plan ahead – as early as possible (and yes – that means even sooner than those pesky TV adverts hit our screens and before the fireworks fade into the distance). Careful planning is required to ensure that the best solution is reached for your family without one parent feeling undermined by unilateral decision making.
“Top tips” when considering arrangements are:-
Communicate– do this, where possible, directly with the other parent and not through the children. Put aside personal feelings and concentrate on putting the children, and their needs, first. Think about what would make their Christmas easier or better rather than focussing on your own needs.
Be respectful – recognise that there may be outside pressures such as extended family visits or emotional realities which limit the ability of one parent to offer many options for how these holidays should be shared. Recognise that both parents (and often extended families) will want to spend quality time with the children over the Christmas period and that cooperation and compromise are necessary tools to reaching a fair compromise in the children’s best interests.
Flexibility and compromise –try to view Christmas as a festive period rather than just one day; this may make it easier to think of solutions “outside the box” that work for your family. If the arrangements are in the best interests of the children they will work for all and compromising your “ideal” position may be necessary to achieve this in order that the children have the best arrangements that can be possible. Consider the “bigger picture” of Christmas and whether perhaps arrangements that work this year could alternate the following year to redress any perceived unfairness on the parent who “misses” out this year on what they would ideally want.
If you are not able to reach a compromise between you then consider alternatives for resolving the stalemate. The Family Courts in December tend to be inundated with families seeking the Court’s assistance to resolve arrangements for Christmas and this is not likely to give either parent the result they seek – ultimately they are asking a stranger to make a decision as to what should happen to their Christmas. Whilst there are always some instances where such an application is unavoidable it is saddening to see how often an application to Court is the first option – rather than the last.
Mediation provides an opportunity to explore all issues in a non-confrontational manner with assistance from an independent and impartial mediator who helps you to discuss the issues between you and reach a be-spoke agreement that suits your individual family needs. Mediation can be a great success and the advantage is that you, as parents, retain full control over the arrangements for your family. It also has the advantage of being a flexible and cheaper alternative to Court litigation where the procedure can be rigid, time consuming and costly.
If mediation is not suitable then other alternatives would be to try a more collaborative approach – either formally using collaborative law process whereby all discussions take place around the table with specially trained advisors or negotiation through solicitors either by correspondence, round table meetings, or otherwise.
Hopefully by talking and working together, as effective post-separation parents, you can reach a solution which works best for your family and enables your children to have the best Christmas possible.
By Lisa Buckridge, solicitor. For further information on mediation or how Purcell Family Law can assist you with problems concerning children of separated parents, arising from holiday arrangements or otherwise, please contact us on 01908 044520